Rant

Its similar, for me, but not the same. Never the same. Better? No answer. What does it matter? It knocks. Over and over again. Rap rap rap. Pain pain pain. It screams over and over again. Turns into a drone. Hurt hurt hurt. Oh so busy. Every day. Doing things, going on. Oh so very busy. Never stopping. Never giving myself a chance. Cheating myself. Where is the question of not cheating others? Its new. Its fun. Is fun better? Absurd theory. Do not think. Avoid it. Avoid it oh so hard. Laughter, smiles and happiness. Is this better? Yes, it is. Of course it is! But what is it? Amazing fun! New world. Another being. A disease. Mortified! I have it too? Spreading like fire. To another, to another. Everyone is saving themselves. Running away. What I did. Twisted.

Ah, but a thought. A simple thought. What if it happened? What if it was yes. What if things happened for once, as expected? As hoped? As desired? As obsessed over? Never would have looked back. So then why should I? A lost puppy coming back home. I kick it away. How ruthless! That is what it was. Second option. That is what it was. That is what it always was. Which one was it? No answer. This one or that one? No answer. Go away!

Name it. Call it something! Something! Anything! Ah, its finally labeled. Our obsession with titles. Never one thing. It is never one thing. Always has to be different. Because there is a desire that it might turn out to be what we want. Kept separate. Gingerly. Very carefully. Maybe this one. Maybe this one. Or maybe THIS one. How absurd! But in the end, never works out. How unfair. After all that trouble. Then the question of worth. Does this at least make sense? Why question it? Stop it! Just go with it. Why question it? To make sense. Oh its unacceptable! Very unacceptable! It needs to make sense!

The eternal quest. Sort out things. Oh screw it! Leave it alone. End it. End the droning. End the rapping. But it doesn’t end, does it? Of course it doesn’t. It haunts and torments. No, that sounds too awful. Call it something else! Anything else! Twisted. Obsession with labels, yet again. Cold and heartless. That is what it was. Detached. A once admired trait. Oh how pitiable! Words just written away. Why? Because it was the past. Lost in a timeline. Because that is what it comes down to. Part of numbers, charts and connections. Timelines.

I laugh. I laugh. I laugh.

What to do? Well obviously. No answer. Search for the answer. To run back? Never. To always move forward. Of course! But it could be a circle, can it not? Moving forward, yet coming back? Its always a circle. Everything is a circle. I play too. Apparently I have played. Ruthlessly. I discover recently. Years ago. For seconds. For minutes. For hours. For days. For weeks. For months. For a year. Naively. Never the truth. Once said. To another. It is of course a circle. Unknowingly. It was all unknowingly. Of course! May I be excused, then? Obviously. Not. Which one? There was complete trust in me. Have I been punished? No answer. I think so.

This is how the world is. Accept it by now. Lying cheating betraying distrusting. Ah, but always ignored. Ignored or accepted? Held together by so called bonds. What is the need? That is the mistake. It should not be a need. It should never be the need. It should be the want. It should never be obsession. It should be confidence. It should never be pushed down. It should be pursued. With a zeal. With a zeal never known. With a zeal to be discovered. Yes. How unusual. Discover the zeal while the goal is in sight. Oh how simple it sounds in words. How very simple. Almost comical. Because it is just as easy to disregard. Ah, the complicated situation. How terrible.

These are never constant thoughts. All of these. As it was before. A change, yes, I notice. But that is what I want. Bigger change. In what? I know not. Or maybe I do. Because I know what I’m looking for. Change. But what to say? How to prove? Does it need to be proven? Or do I blindly believe? Have I always blindly believed? I know not… I know not…