Passion

Passion

Not my usual style of writing. These ones are very rare. Where I can't find the right words or grappling with something that I don't even understand myself. The thoughts are fragmented, but I write just as they pop into my mind. I just had a vision of fire in my head eating up the words as I write it. It just was all-consuming. But again, nothing more than an outlet.

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Drown me in your love. Intoxicate me until I’m in a stupor. Show it to me without words. Show it to me across this distance. Swoop me off my feet. Serenade me. Spoil me. Surprise me. Pamper me.  Carry me away in your passion. Your whirlwind of emotion. I want to be entangled. I want to get lost. I want to be blown away. I want to open my eyes, and wonder how, why. Whether it even is reality, whether it’s even possible. I want to say, This isn’t a dream. Encompass it all. Everything. Months of planning. Thoughtful gestures. More than flowers. More than heart shaped chocolate boxes. More than stuffed toys. More than a white-something. More than hours of silence.Think of me. I want to say, This is better than I can ever have imagined. Surpass my expectations. This instant. Now.

Before I can do it.

Before I can even think of it.

Before the second hand inches away from this moment on the clock.

Before the desire walks away from within me and remains but a ghost in my eyes.

Before a life-time passes away and I am left with nothing but could’ve, should’ve, would’ve.

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What was and what will be

What was and what will be

I sat there, staring out into the vast blueness that spread out like a velvet blanket before me. The smooth ripples floated across the surface, as if dancing to an unheard song, while the cool breeze escorted the water, being faithful to the steps of the ballet. They kept in sync together, waltzing to a certain secret rhythm of their own.
I had no clue what I was doing there, witnessing this seemingly clandestine scene. perhaps I was there to calm myself down, to clear my head of the thousands of thoughts running through it, or just maybe to reflect upon the happenings in my life.
Whatever the case, the sight in front of me offered me an abode in which I could seek sanctuary; while I let my thoughts run wild. It allowed me to admire the simplicity with which the world was made; while I tried to untangle the web of my own life.
It was like any other day in the windy city, but for me, it meant so much more. After what seemed like eons, the day had finally arrived. I was conflicted within myself on what to think. I had trained myself, literally entrenched it into my head that after all this waiting, if things didn't work out, I could just simply say "F*** it". I would try again, of course, but I wouldn't let myself dwell on the negative aspect of it.
But what would I think if things did work out?
I saw it beautifully spread out before me... of what life would be like after the confirmation. I knew that this wasn't my entire life, that there were so many other things that mattered more, but I couldn't deny that it was a big part of me. of what I always wanted. Of what I always worked toward.
I thought about all those days I slaved through to just wait for this day. Those countless hours of studying, painstaking waiting on where I would be accepted and wondering when I would be able to begin yet another chapter.
But when I really think about it, my ultimate goal wasn't ever to become a 'doctor' in life. It wasn't what defined me, of who I truly was. It was a part of me, yes. But not ME.
It was about... hmmm... balance...
I suppose it had always been that way and this day was just another reflective moment when I tried to place my priorities together. Of course today mattered a lot, but what mattered most was balance in my life. This fine rope that I walked on, trying not to tip over and get sucked into the whirlpool of chasing after success or falling face down into an abyss of fun, where I never set any goals for myself. If I hadn't done that, I wouldn't be where I was today.
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This piece took shape on another one of those days where I just let my thoughts flow and my fingers obeyed. i just penned down what I heard, felt and sensed. I never finished it and I do not intend on finishing it.
And so, I place it here. Today.

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Scraps

Scraps

6 hours. 12 hours. 24 hours. A day.
The clock ticked.
"Focus light". The Fountain Head. Bed.
The clock ticked.
"Dark Black". Dimple. Stripped Shirt. White.
The clock ticked.
Om Namaha. Geethanjali. Em Maya Chesave.
The clock ticked.
Cutting Classes. Imposter Sign Ins. Drunken Nights.
The clock ticked.
Leader. Medical School. Flying Rockets.
The clock ticked.
Noctural Studying. Morning Tea. Sleeping In.
The clock ticked.
Fights. Jail. Broken. Lost. Alone.
The clock ticked.
White Rats. Killing. Chili Intoxication. Lab.
The clock ticked.
Study Partner. Immunology Lectures. Steps.
The clock ticked.
Kitchen Singing. Random Jokes. Biryani.
The clock ticked.
Match. Lake. Call. Writing. Gift.
The clock ticked.
Friends history. Pictures. Past.
The clock ticked.
Trips. Poses. Birthdays. India.
The clock ticked.
Gaining Speed. Rushing fast. Loosing control.
The clock ticked.
Shared families. Unshared future. Empty present.
The clock ticked.
One word. Nana. Nothing. Nada.
The clock stopped.

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Back!

Back!

So after a few people yelling at me for taking down my blog (which lasted for a week, by the way. haha), I've decided to put it back up again to save myself of more berating. But to tell you honestly, I thought I wouldn't have time to write anything down, but every time I had something running through my head, or just didn't feel like studying anymore, I would automatically open up a word document and just start typing. Just to let it out. I've realized that it has become such an integral part of my life that I just can't say "I don't have time" at all. It just happens. Naturally.

Well, I don't know whether my writing is good or bad, but it definitely helps me sort things out. And I guess that's all that matters in the end. So for all of you people who wanted my blog back up, here is what you missed for an ENTIRE WEEK! haha. It naturally isn't much, but just some incoherent words. Most of it is unfinished, and it doesn't make sense. I don't think I intend to finish it. It was just one of those random nights when I just wanted to write. Type. Do anything. And so here it is:

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I hear the wind whispering outside my window. I listen to the thunder and see flashes of lightning bouncing of the curtain. I'm exhausted, from all the studying. Satisfied. Not really. Maybe I should have done more. I close my eyes, and I see the silhouetted figure floating in front of me. Again. Every night. It shouldn't be this way.

I don't know whether I am a step closer to my dream. What dream is that? I don't know. Possibly personal, possibly professional. I've been saying that a lot these days. "I don't know". Because, when I actually sit down and reflect upon it, I actually DO know. It all depends on me and how I deal with it. But I don't want to. Maybe that's more appropriate. I don't want to. Well, that will get me nowhere. Naturally.

It isn't pointless. I know what I want. I know what I should do. I just don't want to do it. But I want the end result. This concept applies to so many aspects of my life, it's crazy. Come to think of it, it applies to a lot of people. Doesn't it come down to wanting something without doing any work towards it? *sigh* How simple would life be then? Very. Everybody feels deserving of their respective final goals. Some put in a lot of hard work, and get nowhere. Some don't, and get somewhere. I want to be a part of the latter group. The logical group? The group that puts in a lot of hard work and actually get somewhere. I should be a part of that group. Maybe I am... I've gotten in, haven't I? I'm doing it, aren't I? I just have to get THROUGH it.

It's tough. Dealing with it. Not dealing with it. Knowing it's there. Looming in front of you. But you ignore it. Because you have this other aspect of your life to deal with. Why am I saying 'you'? Heck, its ME. I want to know. What am I even saying? I KNOW there isn't anything there. But a ray of hope. Oh THAT thing. You know, that stupid thing that keeps you going. It's like this growing vine, that you want to sever because it could potentially endanger your life by strangling you, but it's also the same vine that let's you climb it to go higher. Ah, that was a silly analogy. Nonsensical.

Blabber, blabber, blabber. Does any of this even make sense? That's the state of my might right now. Last shot. Last chance. Is there even such a thing? Again, applies to so many aspects of my life. Everybody says I'm still young. I still have my whole life ahead of me. Little do they know. I want to do it NOW. Finish it now. Move ahead, now. If not now, it's never. It makes me giggle, actually. As sadistic as it sounds. Giggling at my own thoughts. More so, giggling at my silly analogy of a vine. But it's true. I have convinced myself thoroughly of one thing though. I have drilled it into my head successfully. It's now. Or never.

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Inbox(1)

Inbox(1)

Refresh, Refresh, Refresh.

Waiting, Waiting, Waiting.

View: Inbox(1)

Subject: Congratulations! You won a thousand dollars.

*DELETE*

Argh! That is NOT the right one.

Refresh, Refresh, Refresh!

View: Inbox(1)

HA! YESS! This is IT!

The excitement!

Read once. Read again. And again.

*sigh* That was beautiful!

What next, that is the question.

Pondering! Thinking! Typing!

BACKSPACE!

Ahh, technology has made things harder!

Much harder.

Choose! Pick! Yes or No?

So much tension, from an Email?

Who would've thought?

Ah, screw it. I'm done typing.

I have better things to do!

Nope, nevermind. Reply. Send.

Waiting, Waiting, Waiting...

Refresh, Refresh, Refresh!

*sigh* 10 seconds later...

"Why doesn't it say Inbox(1) yet??!?!"

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Rant

Rant

Its similar, for me, but not the same. Never the same. Better? No answer. What does it matter? It knocks. Over and over again. Rap rap rap. Pain pain pain. It screams over and over again. Turns into a drone. Hurt hurt hurt. Oh so busy. Every day. Doing things, going on. Oh so very busy. Never stopping. Never giving myself a chance. Cheating myself. Where is the question of not cheating others? Its new. Its fun. Is fun better? Absurd theory. Do not think. Avoid it. Avoid it oh so hard. Laughter, smiles and happiness. Is this better? Yes, it is. Of course it is! But what is it? Amazing fun! New world. Another being. A disease. Mortified! I have it too? Spreading like fire. To another, to another. Everyone is saving themselves. Running away. What I did. Twisted.

Ah, but a thought. A simple thought. What if it happened? What if it was yes. What if things happened for once, as expected? As hoped? As desired? As obsessed over? Never would have looked back. So then why should I? A lost puppy coming back home. I kick it away. How ruthless! That is what it was. Second option. That is what it was. That is what it always was. Which one was it? No answer. This one or that one? No answer. Go away!

Name it. Call it something! Something! Anything! Ah, its finally labeled. Our obsession with titles. Never one thing. It is never one thing. Always has to be different. Because there is a desire that it might turn out to be what we want. Kept separate. Gingerly. Very carefully. Maybe this one. Maybe this one. Or maybe THIS one. How absurd! But in the end, never works out. How unfair. After all that trouble. Then the question of worth. Does this at least make sense? Why question it? Stop it! Just go with it. Why question it? To make sense. Oh its unacceptable! Very unacceptable! It needs to make sense!

The eternal quest. Sort out things. Oh screw it! Leave it alone. End it. End the droning. End the rapping. But it doesn’t end, does it? Of course it doesn’t. It haunts and torments. No, that sounds too awful. Call it something else! Anything else! Twisted. Obsession with labels, yet again. Cold and heartless. That is what it was. Detached. A once admired trait. Oh how pitiable! Words just written away. Why? Because it was the past. Lost in a timeline. Because that is what it comes down to. Part of numbers, charts and connections. Timelines.

I laugh. I laugh. I laugh.

What to do? Well obviously. No answer. Search for the answer. To run back? Never. To always move forward. Of course! But it could be a circle, can it not? Moving forward, yet coming back? Its always a circle. Everything is a circle. I play too. Apparently I have played. Ruthlessly. I discover recently. Years ago. For seconds. For minutes. For hours. For days. For weeks. For months. For a year. Naively. Never the truth. Once said. To another. It is of course a circle. Unknowingly. It was all unknowingly. Of course! May I be excused, then? Obviously. Not. Which one? There was complete trust in me. Have I been punished? No answer. I think so.

This is how the world is. Accept it by now. Lying cheating betraying distrusting. Ah, but always ignored. Ignored or accepted? Held together by so called bonds. What is the need? That is the mistake. It should not be a need. It should never be the need. It should be the want. It should never be obsession. It should be confidence. It should never be pushed down. It should be pursued. With a zeal. With a zeal never known. With a zeal to be discovered. Yes. How unusual. Discover the zeal while the goal is in sight. Oh how simple it sounds in words. How very simple. Almost comical. Because it is just as easy to disregard. Ah, the complicated situation. How terrible.

These are never constant thoughts. All of these. As it was before. A change, yes, I notice. But that is what I want. Bigger change. In what? I know not. Or maybe I do. Because I know what I’m looking for. Change. But what to say? How to prove? Does it need to be proven? Or do I blindly believe? Have I always blindly believed? I know not… I know not…

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Reflection

Reflection

It struck me as odd. That which I was trying to avoid my entire life, stood in front of me in a completely different manner. Did I know that this is how it was going to materialize into view? I figured it was a defect. I assumed it was trick my eyes played on me and I believed the deception my brain created. I started laughing hysterically. Was this it? Was this what I was supposed to learn? But alas, I still don't understand the lesson. What I thought was meant for me, wasn't for me. What I thought was not for me, turned out to belong to me. So I conclude that this is a lesson in mindset.

This could be a futile attempt to justify my assessments. But I hope to create a sensible explanation.

An experience before was categorized as brutal, intolerable and avoidable. Why undergo it? It was not helplessness. Then what was it? It was a web created by one affected mind, which caught several lives. So then what is the difference between then and now? Realization dawns on me as I say a simple sentence in a general conversation. It is a fear of becoming whom I have avoided being all my life. It is a fear of putting myself in a situation that I was scared to be in all my life.

Is it under the same circumstances? The answer to that question would be no. So then how is it the same fear? The answer: recognition of mindset. But I dare to disregard it because that seems cowardly. Does acknowledgment justify everything? No, but action does. So is any other action conducted during a period considered acceptable? The answer to that particular question, I do not know. However, I have come to understand that one apparent weakness does not mean it becomes necessary to disregard the entire being.

What I have failed to grasp ten years ago, I have fully comprehended now.

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Familiar Beings

Familiar Beings

listen patiently, produces happiness from places that were never known never existed a shoulder to cry on yet aggravating beyond belief the hums the jauntiness the flaunting the continuous reminder have it do not have it a longing to shout enough but no it is not fair not fair at all after so much it was a justification the false dreams allowing to hallucinate would it become reality someday the chastising the past remember the past, listen patiently, the petite appearance yet incredibly strong the droning about things which did not matter or did it would never know the intellect humble or not a pretense to hide immoral judgments thoughts about caricatures very random an attempt to veer away from essential matters afraid to tell trying oh so hard to bury rules a need to break away to run away, listen patiently, bizarre consideration no troubles at all viewed as a façade no its not true it is said but it needs to be appreciated completely understood it is honest not a pretense or maybe not was it right to criticize maybe a fear of being hurt yes that was it family always there an immense affection for family, listen patiently, the mastermind the cautiously crafted beliefs dangerously penetrating seems ordinary but is it the persistence the perseverance no its not right believe yet relentlessly stubborn the unusual situations the desperate need for a tolerant ear, listen patiently, the stupidity the enjoyment the illogical conversations the spirituality relations avoided a simple flick the deceit or accident fury hush long silence did something happen, listen patiently, the last one the biggest liar of all the hypocrite never speaks the truth a mask a falsehood yes misery but nothing other than that picked up gathered together tied up in a knot no never to open again yet it comes back in all forms love hate anger jealousy joy envy whatever it might be forever veiled, realize patiently.

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A Solution

A Solution

Amidst the laughter, an awkward silence reigned. Permeating through the air, into every crack. So many riddles implored to be unraveled, so many secrets needed to be uncovered; yet everything was left unspoken. A hope existed—hope that this silence will recite the familiar answers. Hope that it will explain these unfathomable emotions. Yet, the frantic search for words produced no satisfactory results. Nothing seemed right. Every word that seemed so simple before had become difficult to utter.
Yet, beneath the perplexing sentiments, the truth resided. It screamed, and its voice shook the silence, shattering it into pieces and blowing them off the surface. “A few hours of laughter do not promise a lifetime of happiness. A few seconds of bliss does not mean eternal satisfaction. The atmosphere that seems enchanting right now will not be so tomorrow. This will not last forever.”
Reality lunged forward and pulled the weeds of fantasy from within its roots. It was an on-going battle between honesty to oneself and practicality. And where was the solution that would solve this predicament? The one and only, time. It held all the strings, pulling and pushing the beings according to its whims. It held the power to heal or to worsen a wound. It had the strength to solve all the riddles and uncover all the secrets. And it possessed the supreme ability… To aid in forgetting. Hope will be extinguished. The answer will materialize. Everything that appeared inexplicable before will make perfect sense years later. And eventually, it will be forgotten.

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