Back!

So after a few people yelling at me for taking down my blog (which lasted for a week, by the way. haha), I've decided to put it back up again to save myself of more berating. But to tell you honestly, I thought I wouldn't have time to write anything down, but every time I had something running through my head, or just didn't feel like studying anymore, I would automatically open up a word document and just start typing. Just to let it out. I've realized that it has become such an integral part of my life that I just can't say "I don't have time" at all. It just happens. Naturally.

Well, I don't know whether my writing is good or bad, but it definitely helps me sort things out. And I guess that's all that matters in the end. So for all of you people who wanted my blog back up, here is what you missed for an ENTIRE WEEK! haha. It naturally isn't much, but just some incoherent words. Most of it is unfinished, and it doesn't make sense. I don't think I intend to finish it. It was just one of those random nights when I just wanted to write. Type. Do anything. And so here it is:

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I hear the wind whispering outside my window. I listen to the thunder and see flashes of lightning bouncing of the curtain. I'm exhausted, from all the studying. Satisfied. Not really. Maybe I should have done more. I close my eyes, and I see the silhouetted figure floating in front of me. Again. Every night. It shouldn't be this way.

I don't know whether I am a step closer to my dream. What dream is that? I don't know. Possibly personal, possibly professional. I've been saying that a lot these days. "I don't know". Because, when I actually sit down and reflect upon it, I actually DO know. It all depends on me and how I deal with it. But I don't want to. Maybe that's more appropriate. I don't want to. Well, that will get me nowhere. Naturally.

It isn't pointless. I know what I want. I know what I should do. I just don't want to do it. But I want the end result. This concept applies to so many aspects of my life, it's crazy. Come to think of it, it applies to a lot of people. Doesn't it come down to wanting something without doing any work towards it? *sigh* How simple would life be then? Very. Everybody feels deserving of their respective final goals. Some put in a lot of hard work, and get nowhere. Some don't, and get somewhere. I want to be a part of the latter group. The logical group? The group that puts in a lot of hard work and actually get somewhere. I should be a part of that group. Maybe I am... I've gotten in, haven't I? I'm doing it, aren't I? I just have to get THROUGH it.

It's tough. Dealing with it. Not dealing with it. Knowing it's there. Looming in front of you. But you ignore it. Because you have this other aspect of your life to deal with. Why am I saying 'you'? Heck, its ME. I want to know. What am I even saying? I KNOW there isn't anything there. But a ray of hope. Oh THAT thing. You know, that stupid thing that keeps you going. It's like this growing vine, that you want to sever because it could potentially endanger your life by strangling you, but it's also the same vine that let's you climb it to go higher. Ah, that was a silly analogy. Nonsensical.

Blabber, blabber, blabber. Does any of this even make sense? That's the state of my might right now. Last shot. Last chance. Is there even such a thing? Again, applies to so many aspects of my life. Everybody says I'm still young. I still have my whole life ahead of me. Little do they know. I want to do it NOW. Finish it now. Move ahead, now. If not now, it's never. It makes me giggle, actually. As sadistic as it sounds. Giggling at my own thoughts. More so, giggling at my silly analogy of a vine. But it's true. I have convinced myself thoroughly of one thing though. I have drilled it into my head successfully. It's now. Or never.