Back!

Back!

So after a few people yelling at me for taking down my blog (which lasted for a week, by the way. haha), I've decided to put it back up again to save myself of more berating. But to tell you honestly, I thought I wouldn't have time to write anything down, but every time I had something running through my head, or just didn't feel like studying anymore, I would automatically open up a word document and just start typing. Just to let it out. I've realized that it has become such an integral part of my life that I just can't say "I don't have time" at all. It just happens. Naturally.

Well, I don't know whether my writing is good or bad, but it definitely helps me sort things out. And I guess that's all that matters in the end. So for all of you people who wanted my blog back up, here is what you missed for an ENTIRE WEEK! haha. It naturally isn't much, but just some incoherent words. Most of it is unfinished, and it doesn't make sense. I don't think I intend to finish it. It was just one of those random nights when I just wanted to write. Type. Do anything. And so here it is:

___________________________________________________________________

I hear the wind whispering outside my window. I listen to the thunder and see flashes of lightning bouncing of the curtain. I'm exhausted, from all the studying. Satisfied. Not really. Maybe I should have done more. I close my eyes, and I see the silhouetted figure floating in front of me. Again. Every night. It shouldn't be this way.

I don't know whether I am a step closer to my dream. What dream is that? I don't know. Possibly personal, possibly professional. I've been saying that a lot these days. "I don't know". Because, when I actually sit down and reflect upon it, I actually DO know. It all depends on me and how I deal with it. But I don't want to. Maybe that's more appropriate. I don't want to. Well, that will get me nowhere. Naturally.

It isn't pointless. I know what I want. I know what I should do. I just don't want to do it. But I want the end result. This concept applies to so many aspects of my life, it's crazy. Come to think of it, it applies to a lot of people. Doesn't it come down to wanting something without doing any work towards it? *sigh* How simple would life be then? Very. Everybody feels deserving of their respective final goals. Some put in a lot of hard work, and get nowhere. Some don't, and get somewhere. I want to be a part of the latter group. The logical group? The group that puts in a lot of hard work and actually get somewhere. I should be a part of that group. Maybe I am... I've gotten in, haven't I? I'm doing it, aren't I? I just have to get THROUGH it.

It's tough. Dealing with it. Not dealing with it. Knowing it's there. Looming in front of you. But you ignore it. Because you have this other aspect of your life to deal with. Why am I saying 'you'? Heck, its ME. I want to know. What am I even saying? I KNOW there isn't anything there. But a ray of hope. Oh THAT thing. You know, that stupid thing that keeps you going. It's like this growing vine, that you want to sever because it could potentially endanger your life by strangling you, but it's also the same vine that let's you climb it to go higher. Ah, that was a silly analogy. Nonsensical.

Blabber, blabber, blabber. Does any of this even make sense? That's the state of my might right now. Last shot. Last chance. Is there even such a thing? Again, applies to so many aspects of my life. Everybody says I'm still young. I still have my whole life ahead of me. Little do they know. I want to do it NOW. Finish it now. Move ahead, now. If not now, it's never. It makes me giggle, actually. As sadistic as it sounds. Giggling at my own thoughts. More so, giggling at my silly analogy of a vine. But it's true. I have convinced myself thoroughly of one thing though. I have drilled it into my head successfully. It's now. Or never.

Read More

Going on 22

Going on 22

He was so hard to read. His face expressions, his demeanor, his subtle mysterious smile... Everything bout him was so hard to decipher. His words were all I could go on. He said he liked the gift. He said he liked the strawberries and creme. He said he didn't like the cold black coffee. He said he liked NYC. He said he loved the hudson. And that's just it... The ONLY thing I could decipher was his love for the Hudson river. I could literally SEE the peacefulness wash over his face when he told me how his friends and him would waste away entire evenings sitting in front of the Hudson river. and thats bout it...

It was completely opposite to me. No squeals of excitement, no hyperness, no constant high pitched babbling... nothing. it was more of a deep, low, smoothly flowing murmur, a nod of acquiscence here and there; acknowleding his likes.A crooked suave grin with his chin lifted upward to display humor or lightheartedness, or a fleeting powerful glance when our gazes met like he was about to dive into my eyes and come out a victorious warrior with a prize of figuring me out... it was ALL of that. The whole mysterious aura around him was impenetrable. He did talk bout his life, his pets, his home but the calm look never left his face. All I had were his words to go on...

It was perfect. It kept me on my toes... kept me thinking. Kept me wanting to observe him. Whenever he would look down to take a sip of his bitter black coffee, or whenever he bent down to pick up the strawberries and creme, I would quickly run my eyes from top to bottom. Tryin to take in his dark blue cotton shirt unbuttoned at the collar, his blue, slightly faded jeans, and his brown shoes.

I observed the way he sat, completely confident. Fearless. Especially when he sat across from me in Starbucks. A cool posture. A slight slouch that every young person has nowadays, but he seemed to hold himself up with a subtle sort of composure. I saw how his muscles flexed in his arms when he picked up his backpack. His eyes were small, not expressive at all. But whenever he was trying to remember somethin, he would roll them, and part his lips a bit, thinking hard...

His smile... I have no idea how to even start to describe it. I couldn't understand it at ALL. It was crooked, lopsided, very handsome... The grin... always the grin. Never a hearty laugh. I haven't heard him laugh at all. Maybe give me a small chuckle, but not laugh. And it makes it even more mysterious. Makes me think, "To wht extent did he feel tht humor? The small chuckle doesn't tell me anything". Or maybe he just didn't find anything that amusing to give a hearty laugh. Or maybe my conclusions are all wrong...

I enjoyed every minute... Listening, laughing and talking. I spent the entire time trying to figure him out. I couldn't... Maybe I was trying too hard. Maybe I just can't figure people out. Maybe nothing I just said has anything to do with him.

So many maybe's... So many possibilities...

___________________________________________________________________

"Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't."
~Mark Twain

Read More