Rant

Rant

Its similar, for me, but not the same. Never the same. Better? No answer. What does it matter? It knocks. Over and over again. Rap rap rap. Pain pain pain. It screams over and over again. Turns into a drone. Hurt hurt hurt. Oh so busy. Every day. Doing things, going on. Oh so very busy. Never stopping. Never giving myself a chance. Cheating myself. Where is the question of not cheating others? Its new. Its fun. Is fun better? Absurd theory. Do not think. Avoid it. Avoid it oh so hard. Laughter, smiles and happiness. Is this better? Yes, it is. Of course it is! But what is it? Amazing fun! New world. Another being. A disease. Mortified! I have it too? Spreading like fire. To another, to another. Everyone is saving themselves. Running away. What I did. Twisted.

Ah, but a thought. A simple thought. What if it happened? What if it was yes. What if things happened for once, as expected? As hoped? As desired? As obsessed over? Never would have looked back. So then why should I? A lost puppy coming back home. I kick it away. How ruthless! That is what it was. Second option. That is what it was. That is what it always was. Which one was it? No answer. This one or that one? No answer. Go away!

Name it. Call it something! Something! Anything! Ah, its finally labeled. Our obsession with titles. Never one thing. It is never one thing. Always has to be different. Because there is a desire that it might turn out to be what we want. Kept separate. Gingerly. Very carefully. Maybe this one. Maybe this one. Or maybe THIS one. How absurd! But in the end, never works out. How unfair. After all that trouble. Then the question of worth. Does this at least make sense? Why question it? Stop it! Just go with it. Why question it? To make sense. Oh its unacceptable! Very unacceptable! It needs to make sense!

The eternal quest. Sort out things. Oh screw it! Leave it alone. End it. End the droning. End the rapping. But it doesn’t end, does it? Of course it doesn’t. It haunts and torments. No, that sounds too awful. Call it something else! Anything else! Twisted. Obsession with labels, yet again. Cold and heartless. That is what it was. Detached. A once admired trait. Oh how pitiable! Words just written away. Why? Because it was the past. Lost in a timeline. Because that is what it comes down to. Part of numbers, charts and connections. Timelines.

I laugh. I laugh. I laugh.

What to do? Well obviously. No answer. Search for the answer. To run back? Never. To always move forward. Of course! But it could be a circle, can it not? Moving forward, yet coming back? Its always a circle. Everything is a circle. I play too. Apparently I have played. Ruthlessly. I discover recently. Years ago. For seconds. For minutes. For hours. For days. For weeks. For months. For a year. Naively. Never the truth. Once said. To another. It is of course a circle. Unknowingly. It was all unknowingly. Of course! May I be excused, then? Obviously. Not. Which one? There was complete trust in me. Have I been punished? No answer. I think so.

This is how the world is. Accept it by now. Lying cheating betraying distrusting. Ah, but always ignored. Ignored or accepted? Held together by so called bonds. What is the need? That is the mistake. It should not be a need. It should never be the need. It should be the want. It should never be obsession. It should be confidence. It should never be pushed down. It should be pursued. With a zeal. With a zeal never known. With a zeal to be discovered. Yes. How unusual. Discover the zeal while the goal is in sight. Oh how simple it sounds in words. How very simple. Almost comical. Because it is just as easy to disregard. Ah, the complicated situation. How terrible.

These are never constant thoughts. All of these. As it was before. A change, yes, I notice. But that is what I want. Bigger change. In what? I know not. Or maybe I do. Because I know what I’m looking for. Change. But what to say? How to prove? Does it need to be proven? Or do I blindly believe? Have I always blindly believed? I know not… I know not…

Read More

Lessons from mere Sentences...

Lessons from mere Sentences...

Lately, I have been obsessing about contemporary Indian authors. Some books turned out to be cliffhangers, some utterly bewildering and many, thoroughly enjoyable. So in this obsessive phase of mine, I came across a very touching book.

"Sister of my Heart" by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni.

A couple of sentences from the book struck a chord with me and I would like to share it with all of you.
Mini lessons, shall we call them?
____________________________________________________________________

"You must make your own happiness. You must be wise enough to recognize it when it comes. And if it doesn't come in spite of all your efforts, you must do something about that as well"

"I was sad, but not unhappy"

"Perhaps it is just that desire lies at the heart of human existence. When we turn away from one desire, we must find another to cleave to with all our strength"

"Because that's the thing about us human beings when we really love someone, we can be happy even while out heart is breaking"

"Don't regret what you can't change"

"I promised myself I would no longer place my hopes on a happiness that was held in someone else's hand"

"But sometimes the only way to healing is through the corridor of pain"

"But then, love is never about deserving, is it? Nor is hate"

"If there is one thing his story has taught me, it is that when all the dross is melted away from the human heart, only gold remains"

and finally, the sentence that is so simple, yet means so much...

"I love her because I love her"
____________________________________________________________________

Pick the book up when you get the chance... It was simply amazing!

Read More

Reflection

Reflection

It struck me as odd. That which I was trying to avoid my entire life, stood in front of me in a completely different manner. Did I know that this is how it was going to materialize into view? I figured it was a defect. I assumed it was trick my eyes played on me and I believed the deception my brain created. I started laughing hysterically. Was this it? Was this what I was supposed to learn? But alas, I still don't understand the lesson. What I thought was meant for me, wasn't for me. What I thought was not for me, turned out to belong to me. So I conclude that this is a lesson in mindset.

This could be a futile attempt to justify my assessments. But I hope to create a sensible explanation.

An experience before was categorized as brutal, intolerable and avoidable. Why undergo it? It was not helplessness. Then what was it? It was a web created by one affected mind, which caught several lives. So then what is the difference between then and now? Realization dawns on me as I say a simple sentence in a general conversation. It is a fear of becoming whom I have avoided being all my life. It is a fear of putting myself in a situation that I was scared to be in all my life.

Is it under the same circumstances? The answer to that question would be no. So then how is it the same fear? The answer: recognition of mindset. But I dare to disregard it because that seems cowardly. Does acknowledgment justify everything? No, but action does. So is any other action conducted during a period considered acceptable? The answer to that particular question, I do not know. However, I have come to understand that one apparent weakness does not mean it becomes necessary to disregard the entire being.

What I have failed to grasp ten years ago, I have fully comprehended now.

Read More

"Kabhi Kabhi"

"Kabhi Kabhi"

Here I am... In the country that I was born... The country where I've spent only eight years of my life. India.

And its been a blast! Watching movies, relaxing with my grandparents while I listen to my grandma tell me stories of when she was young, gossiping with cousins, eating roadside chaat and meeting old friends...

But the reason for this post is not to tell you about my India experience. But the reason for this entry is a song... That has been playing over and over again on every television set here in every home.

"Kabhi Kabhi Aditi Zindagi" from the movie "Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na"

So what is it about the song?

Does it have the high pitched notes of the flute, the soft sound of the water fall, the sob of a violin or the faint thud of a tabla? Like the songs "Maula Mera Maula" and "Javeda Zindagi" from "Anwar"? No... it doesn't...

Does it have deep meaningful lyrics like the song "Ajeeb Dastaan Hai Yeh" from "Dil Apna Preet Paraya"? Does it have the "old is gold" tab linked to it? No... it doesn't...

Does it have trendy beats and fast music like the song "Ya Ali" from "Gangster"? No... it doesn't...

Does it have Hrithik Roshan pining away for his love like in the song "Tum Se Mujhe" from "Na Tum Jaano Na Hum"? No... it doesn't...

So, then what is it bout this song that has made me fall in love with it and has managed to make it into my list of top songs? Maybe its because I've heard it so many times that its been hammered into my brain and I've been forced to fall in love with it. Or maybe because the simplicity of the song and music has stolen my heart...

It carries a simple message of how life always has a bright side, despite the troubles and pain it may give us. A simple message where a small smile can bring unimaginable amounts of happiness.

And to always remember... that when you feel like you have no hope left in life and nothing seems to be going right, then you will always have someone that loves you so much that it will make everything alright... Their love will make everything alright...

So, its just this simplicity that made me write this entry... And I hope that you will listen to this song and enjoy it as much as I do...

Read More